Reflection

I can't help but feel cheated, cheated on life. Cheated on all of the memories that I will never be able to create with family and friends due to my struggle with cancer.

From time spent in hospitals, recovery at home, doctor's appointments, therapists, therapy, MRIs, medication bills, losing my license multiple times, 100's of seizures and the financial impact this has had on my family. This does not include any of physical, mental side effects and pain I have endured fighting this disease. It has changed me.

Fay, I am so sorry this happened to us. You probably do, and should, feel cheated as well. I am not the husband you fell in love with and I would do anything to change it all. I am so sorry for some of the things you have witnessed and images that have been burned into your mind. To wonder when my next seizure will come or when the tumor will come back. You have to worry about things that most people will never face.

This is the true damage of brain cancer, especially Oligodendroglioma;s as they unfortunately almost always reoccur. Because surgery didn't remove all of it, it will keep coming back until it eventually it kills me.

It is tough to think about recurrence but it never leaves my mind. I had my first surgery at the end of the year in 2004, MRI showed growth just 3 years later in 2007 which I fought with 12 months of chemo. Then in 2011, I had my second surgery. The next time it returned was in 2015, when I decided to be very aggressive with treatment: surgeries, radiation and one more year of chemo. All this time still suffering from seizures. My family and I deal with the pain and suffering in our own ways and we have been impacted from that first day.

I sit and reflect what next year will bring. I have fewer options than before. My brain is such a mess that without causing serious deficits, additional surgeries are no longer an option. This leaves me with another round of chemo, which loses it effectiveness every time and another go of targeted radiation that will likely cause additional damage.

For the last 5,339 days since that first seizure, I make it through each day and I end every night scared of what will happen next.  Will this be the day I have another seizure, how many more days until my tumor comes back stronger. A portion remains in my motor cortex which controls the right side of my body. Along with all of these concerns I am now hyper aware of every time I feel anything out of the ordinary on my right side.

I will continue to fight this every day but I can't say it is always easy. It is not. It is difficult having this the first thing you think about and your last thought. The not knowing what is next is the worst feeling of all. It is physically and emotionally draining.

I have, through no fault of my own put my family through hell. I will "celebrate" 15 years as a survivor Dec. 17th this year and while I think I dedicated 100% of my energy just pushing through each day, as best I can, I can't help to think about what could have been. Cancer has destroyed my life...

14 Years

Still kicking....

Better late than never

Suck's I didn't get to taste the cake Fay made for me....I spent that night and the next few days in the worst hospital ever. Thankfully, not brain tumor related and all is back to normal.

12 fucking years....

Stable

That counts as stable? Take your word for it doctor. Win either way!