I've been really fortunate to come out of my past surgeries "ok". No right side body weakness, no speech issues and with my personality (kind of) intact. Thankfully, I was able to return to my family and work with almost no accommodations. I have seizures but...
With the first and second surgery, I didn't really have a choice. It was the recommendation of all doctors. This one is different - I feel I am putting my life and family on the line for a third and fourth surgery and not all of my doctors agree about it. Since Thanksgiving, Fay and I have met with my Neuro Oncologist, my Neuro Surgeon, Radiologists, Neurologists, and my Epilepsy Specialist to get as much information as possible so that we come up with the right decision.
As the tumor creeps closer to critical areas, I have a greater sense of fear that I won't come out of these surgeries unharmed.
I know that whatever happens, I will "fight on" but the thought of having the right side of my body weak or even paralyzed is truly terrifying. What will my life be like? I worry about never regaining my speech and about cognitive and personality difficulties
After each surgery,due to the swelling of the brain, it has taken me a few weeks to recover. This was extremely alarming to me, but also my family. I couldn't communicate for a few days. What happens if my speech never returns.
I can't help but to focus on all the negative things that "could" happen - trust me this is a pretty long list. Not only what could happen to me, but also to my wife and kids.
That is why I'm trying to take my mind off of things as best as possible and just enjoy each day.
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